Sunday, April 26, 2009

A journalist has achieved his goal of "tweeting" the London Marathon

And he didn't manage to run into anyone as he completed the race.

In other news, an ABC journalist has achieved his goal of swimming while checking his voicemail, and CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric has announced her plans to do 3 hours of Pilates while selling collectors plates on eBay.

Friday, April 24, 2009

What I really need is a $16 PDF book on how to Twitter

Yeah, that ought to do it.

I'll put it right next to my copy of "The Canadian Guide to the Internet."

And I can print it out and mail it to my mom so that she can share it with her friends.

A couple weeks later there would be a handful of tweets popping up around town, pretty much along the lines of:

"how do i know if this is working? please tweet me back Anne if you can see this, sincerely Delores"

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Good lord.

A bunch of anonymous people post ridiculously brief and unverifiable stuff about massacres and plane crashes. Pivotal.

The New York Times ran some kind of visual depiction of what it looks like when a bunch of people tweet over top of each other during the Superbowl. I imagine it looks like a debate on policy at a Dungeons and Dragons convention. Pivotal!

Twitter founder Biz Stone.

Sorry. I had to stop and stare at that name for a few minutes. Who the hell is named "Biz Stone?"

Twitter founder Biz Stone goes on Colbert and declares that there will be business model behind all of this at some point, for "the messaging system that we didn't know we needed until we had it."

To which Colbert replied:"That sounds like the answer to a problem we didn't have until I invented the answer." PIVOTAL!!

Thank you Mr. Colbert. But I swear to god if you start tweeting I'm going to have to declare our love affair over.

"Why not tweet recipes?"

Because it's stupid?

Lucy Waverman just wrote a 500 word article explaining to news readers who will never use Twitter in their life, how you can write recipes using Twitter.

I am picturing it printed and posted on fridges across the nation.

more people are following Ashton Kutcher than the President

But then, the President hasn't had a chance to tweet since March 25, the slacker.

stop it with the "@whoever" crap

No seriously, I mean it.

Go ahead and keep it in your twittering if you must, but you leave that crap out of the rest of the internet when you're responding to someone in a comments section elsewhere, okay?

We don't tolerate your spelling "ur" instead of "you're" when you have access to a full keyboard in front of you, you little texting illiterates, and there's sure as hell no way that I'm going to let you start up with this @ crap spilling all over the place.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Ashton Kutcher has a million assholes following his every 140 characters (or whatever).

Way to go, Ashton!

You beat CNN in some kind of Twitter-off or something, which if I recall correctly was spun out of the publicity generated from that Twitter suicide note your wife got for some absolutely stupid reason or another, which in a normal universe would be a little bit awkward and possibly distasteful.

Ashton threw it down. CNN stepped up. A million jackasses admitted that they have nothing better to do but to be poised to consume Ashton's every word.

This is a slow clap for you, Ashton. Starting out slow. Building in rhythm as we all start clapping together, as the crowd lifts you over their shoulders and marches you around the stadium, a million morons strong, chanting "Ashton! Ashton! Ashton!"

And then halting abruptly as the crowd drops you on your kesiter as they reach for their phones at the same moment to tweet that they were holding Ashton Kutcher in the air, dude, right at this very minute!!!

The article asks: "As Ashton Kutcher becomes the first to collect 1 million followers on Twitter and Oprah Winfrey sends out her first tweet, tech observers are debating: Does Friday mark a new peak for the microblogging service? Or the beginning of its demise?"

I'm going to have to go ahead and root for "demise", and I am heartened in this regard because Oprah's first post was all in CAPS, like an embarrassing mom who just figured out how to forward you an email with a video of cat falling off of a couch.

Moriarty tweeted at a movie. I think. Or a couple dozen people did, anyway.

It was called TwitFlix, and I'm not entirely sure it was successful or not.

This is because I'm not entirely convinced Drew was really into the thing. Perhaps he was even a bit embarrassed to have had to document on his blog how he was affiliated with some kind of organized event where 50 jackasses were invited to sit and tweet during a movie. It just feels like a flailing grasp at being cool, something a bunch of middle aged marketing people would brainstorm on as being a way to capitalize on all of this Twitter business, somehow.

That, and my eyes tend to glaze over and skip over crap when I see the word "tweet", so it's possible that this was a successful and extremely pivotal event and I missed it.

Moriarty is a Twitter Enabler.

I can't do it. I really tried, but I just can't freaking twitter

I can't tweet, I really can't. I just can't tweet and I really just don't give a crap about everybody else tweeting either.

I swear to god, I gave it a shot, I swallowed down a huge bile ball of contempt and gave it a shot, but in the end I truly can't give a crap about posting or following all the navel gazers on Twitter.

I had considered that his could be a sympt0m of my age and out-of-touched-ness. But in the end, I have confirmed that my contempt is justified and that my reason for hating Twitter is due to the fact that I'm not a moron.

So I have no choice but to create this blog in order to ridicule Twitter, Twitterers, Tweets and all of that stupid Twitter crap.

The whole thing is a logical progression of the blogging, YouTube, and all the oother forms of public diary writing -- where everyone, apparently, has something vitally important to tell the world.

And yes, I realize I'm writing all of this down in a blog, smart guy, but I am immune to my own contempt.